Destroyed

Today...I feel completely destroyed. 

My logical mind knows I am being silly, but my emotional mind thinks it is the end of the world. 

My mother died 27 days ago and today is her birthday.  Ever since I can remember we celebrated our birthdays together, usually at the Japanese Village, but this year my birthday is mine alone.

I was very close to my mother, even tho she had the gift of irritation at times.  From 1998 to 2000 we lived above my mom.  We used to joke around about having to wear asbestos slippers on the ceramic floor, because my mom liked it HOT.  I would tease her about buying a big rock like the ones they give to lizards. 

We lived two doors away from each other, from 2000 to 2005, when my girls were babies.  Almost every single day we would pack up the big double stroller and head down swanky Stony Plain Road visiting all the second hand stores and pawn shops looking for treasures.  In the summer we would go on garage saling adventures.  She bought a lot of junk over the years!  

We lived together from 2005 to 2010.  My mom didn't really understand the meaning of privacy, but despite that, living with my parents slightly before, during, and after a messy divorce was pure perfection.  There was never a lack of love and support.  Many people think it is weird to be so close to your parents and can't imagine living with their own, but I couldn't imagine it any other way.  My girls got to spend time with their grandmother every single day for ten years!

Summer of 2010 my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.  In my heart I knew something was wrong for a long time, but she seemed to deteriorate rather quickly after being diagnosed.  My parents decided to sell the house and move into a retirement home where my mom could have the opportunity to be more active. 

Over the last year, things between my mom and I got a little sour.  She changed and some of the changes weren't pleasant.  I couldn't spend more then 5 minutes with her without getting frustrated and mad.  My grand mother told me that was God's way of making it easier to say goodbye.  I had a feeling that she wouldn't be with us for long and I thought I was mentally prepared for her passing, but I was wrong.  I'm devastated.

I remember how she was...she was sooooo funny.  She had a nice body and loved to tan.  She wore leather pants and smoked a pipe.  She would get drunk on half a glass of wine and start talking to elevator people.  She would wake up at 3 in the morning and fry an entire fish because she was hungry.  She loooved banana splits.  She had a genuine joyous laugh that I can't seem to remember anymore...

Dear Mom,

I miss you so so so much.  I still can't believe this happened.  I go to the apartment and expect you to be sitting there doing needle point saying "ohhh Alisa is here".  I know this is for the best and that you didn't get a healthy vessel right from the beginning, but this is so incredibly hard.  Harder then I ever though it would be.  I want you to know that I loved you so much and that you were a great mom and grand mother.  I will never forget the good times when we laughed so hard that you had to cross your legs so you wouldn't pee.  I miss you and I feel destroyed, but I know that everything that gets destroyed is rebuilt better , prettier, and stronger.  This is my final goodbye.  In two days I will celebrate without you for the first time.  I will be sad, but I will move on.  I love you mom <3

Alisa